I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
