Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
