My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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