Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My vagina is officially offended.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
