The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
