Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
