Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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