The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
