My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
