So drunk, too bad you don't want this
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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