next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
