The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
