lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Terrible idea I love it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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