It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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