She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
