Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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