I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Randomize
