The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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