my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
