it hurts more in the daytime
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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