I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
