I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
BRING THE BAGELS
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
