you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
