Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
