Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
