He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
