cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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