guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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