She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
