you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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