I think I just saw someone hide a body.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
