I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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