Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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