I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
