Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i now understand why vodka
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
