it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
