They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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