Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
