your parents love me but you hate me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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