im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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