There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
