Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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