He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
