He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
