Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love you. Go after that dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
