Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
