I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
