I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My feet surprised me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
