He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
