Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
