just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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