they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
